The custom, explained
Shiva (Hebrew for "seven") is the traditional seven-day mourning period observed by close relatives after a Jewish burial. The mourners — often referred to as "sitting shiva" — stay home, sit on low stools or chairs as a physical sign of their loss, and receive visitors who come to comfort them (this practice of comforting has its own name: nichum aveilim). It is not a party, not a formal reception, and not a time for small talk about anything else going on in your life. The entire structure of the custom exists to center the mourner, not the visitor.
This is exactly why shiva can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable if you've never attended one before — the etiquette is quieter and more restrained than most Western condolence customs, and that restraint is the point, not an oversight.
What to bring (and what not to)
- Food is the standard, welcome gift — a prepared meal, a fruit basket, baked goods, or a platter the family can serve to other visitors. This tradition exists because the practical burden of cooking for oneself, let alone for guests, during acute grief is real.
- Check dietary needs first. Many Jewish families keep kosher; if you're not sure, ask a mutual contact, or choose a kosher-certified or simple option (fruit, packaged baked goods with a kosher symbol) rather than guessing.
- Skip the flowers. Flowers are tied to celebration in Jewish custom, not mourning, and traditionally aren't sent to a shiva house or a Jewish funeral. If you want to give in the deceased's memory, a tzedakah (charity) donation in their name is the customary alternative — many families will name a cause in the obituary.
- You don't need to bring anything at all. Simply showing up to sit with the family is the actual point of the custom.
Visiting etiquette — for anyone, including non-Jewish guests
- Check visiting hours before you go — families often post specific windows rather than receiving guests all day.
- Dress modestly and simply; this isn't a formal event.
- Traditionally, you don't greet the mourner first — wait for them to speak to you, then respond. If they don't speak, sitting quietly nearby is completely appropriate.
- Visits are typically brief — under 30 minutes is common and considerate.
- Let the mourner set the topic. Sharing a genuine memory of the person who died, if you have one, is often deeply appreciated; steering the conversation elsewhere is not.
Ashkenazi / SephardiOn leaving, it's customary to offer a line of comfort — but the exact words differ by tradition. Ashkenazi custom: "HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei Tziyon vi'Yerushalayim" — "May the Omnipresent comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." Sephardi custom: "Min HaShamayim tenuchamu" — "May you be comforted from Heaven." Transliterations vary by community; neither is "more correct" than the other, and a simple, sincere "I'm so sorry" is always a completely appropriate substitute if the Hebrew feels unfamiliar.
Sources cross-checkedChabad.org's Hamakom Yenachem guide, Reform Judaism's shiva overview, MyJewishLearning's "Shiva: What You Need to Know," and Aish.com's explanation of the comforting phrase all agree on the core practices above (no flowers, food is standard, speak only after the mourner does, the Ashkenazi/Sephardi difference in the parting blessing).
If you want to send something today
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Kosher-friendly fruit or pareve gift basket
Pareve means neither dairy nor meat — a safer default if you don't know the family's kashrut level.
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A meal from a local kosher caterer or restaurant
Often the single most useful thing you can send — call ahead and have it delivered directly to the shiva house.
We don't affiliate-link charity donations — if you'd like to give tzedakah in memory of the deceased, check the obituary for the family's chosen cause, or consider a gift through ShopToDoGood.